OK, get ready. No instrument is sacred here! (Warning: Woodwind and brass players should not read this while playing.)
The prodigy: A boy said to his dad, “I want to be a musician when I grow up.” His dad said, “Hold on there son, you can’t do both.”
Harmonica: What do you call a harmonica player’s accompanist? Fido.
Viola: The violist said to the violinist, “You know, we violists can play 64th notes.” The violinist said, “Oh, yeah? Let’s hear them.” So the violist played him one.
Altos: How many altos does it take to change a light bulb? None. They can’t get up that high.
Oboe: What is a minor second? Two oboes playing in unison.
French Horn: How can you make a trombone sound like a French horn? Stick your hand in the bell and play a lot of wrong notes.
Bagpipes: Why do pipers always walk while they play? To get away from the noise.
OH YES, LOTS MORE BELOW…
How many musicians does it take to change a light bulb? Five–one to change the bulb and four to say, “Oh, I could do that.”
Violin: Which is bigger, a violin or a viola? They’re actually the same size, it’s just that the violinist’s head is bigger.
Cello: What’s the difference between a cello and a buzz-saw? Vibrato.
Bass: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb? None, the pianist can do it with his left hand.
Harp: It’s tough to be harpist–you spend half your time tuning and the other half playing out of tune.
Piano: What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft? A flat minor. What about if you drop it on an army base? A flat major.
Organ: Why did Bach have so many children? His organ had no stops.
Piccolo: Who was that piccolo I saw you with last night? That was no piccolo, that was my fife.
Banjo: What’s perfect pitch on a banjo? When you pitch it into the dumpster without hitting the rim.
Why are there no banjos in Star Trek? Because it’s the future.
Accordion: How is an accordion like a lawsuit? Everyone’s happiest when the case is closed for good.
Drummer: One time the guitarist locked his keys in the car. It took him 2 hours to get the drummer out.
What do you call the beautiful woman on the drummer’s arm? A tattoo.
Conductor: How is an orchestra different from a bull? The bull’s got the horns in front and the ***hole in the back.
Soprano: How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb? One–she holds the light bulb and the world revolves around her.
Jazz musician: How do you end up with a million dollars playing jazz music? You start with 2 million.
Bagpipes: Why do pipers always walk while they play? So they’re harder to hit.
Tuba: What kind of calendar does a tuba player use? Year-at-a-Glance.
How do you know there’s a musician at your door? Because about a half hour ago, you ordered pizza.
Guitar: How do you get a guitar player to play quieter? Give him sheet music.
Singer/songwriter: What’s the difference between a singer/songwriter and a puppy? The puppy stops whining after 6 months.
Trombones & Saxophones: What’s the difference between the trombone section and the saxophone section? The trombones weren’t meant to sound like two cats in a fight, but they do.
Piano: Why are a pianist’s fingers like lightning? They rarely strike the same spot twice.
Bass: Why did the bass player get mad at the timpanist? Because the timpanist de-tuned one of the bass strings and wouldn’t say which one.
Timpanist: How do you know when there’s a timpanist at your door? Because he bangs too hard and never knows when to come in.
Sax and clarinet: How do you put down a tenor sax? Confuse it with a bass clarinet.
Flute: What’s the difference between a flute and a flutist? The flute has its head on straight.
Diva: Did you hear about the female singer with the low voice? She was known as the deep C diva.